Chirstmas Eve Gathering 2010

Dear Alicia,

I have a confession to make – I lied to Laura yesterday. We had just spent an almost perfect day together as a family. I had been enjoying Eldon’s presence during the past week while he was here from Boston on “work-cation.” Laura and Shelly came up from VA to celebrate Mom’s birthday. Everyone was together, except you. Our family has actually grown to include Steve and Marie, a fun addition. I’ve found strength to get through the days when we’re together like this. But I always dread the day after – the day when I’m alone with my thoughts at home with the kids. I get to reflect on the day before and your absence feels like a hole, a bottomless pit.

Alicia & Shlly
Christmas Eve Gathering - 2010

The “good-byes” at the end of yesterday were harder than some. There’s something so difficult about saying good-bye to Eldon, Laura and Shelly recently. It’s like the hole gets bigger, if that’s even possible, as I begin to miss the qualities and added dimensions they bring to the family. I love our family – so thankful they’ve made me one of their own. I celebrate our differences and the different directions life has taken each of us. But I also celebrate the times we’re together, our laughter and debating, reminiscing and experiencing new things together.

Eldon & Alice
Christmas Eve Gathering - 2010

So when Laura asked me if I was alright after she hugged me good-bye while I was trying to blink back the tears I knew would come today that were arriving prematurely, I told her I was ok. But I wasn’t – am not. Sometimes it feels like life stands still for me. Everybody moving forward and going onto the next thing, while I remain constant – hanging up wash, emptying the dishwasher, paying the bills and wiping noses – maybe it feels that way for others too. I bet it does. Sometimes I just want to run away, pretend this has never happened, and I don’t need to feel the pain of missing you so. But you are part of our family – always will be, never forgotten; and just as I enjoy all the great things about being in this family, I will bare all the heartaches of being part of such a beautiful family. I love them all so much, just as you did. Once again – you were missed by all of us, as you forever will be.

Missing you so much today, Natalie

Christmas 2010 - Shrimp Festival
Annual Christmas Eve Shrimp Feast

3 thoughts on “Confession”

  1. Oh, my, so relieved I am not the only one. I cried at the computer yesterday morning. Then today it dawned on me that this is the 28th – two months. I cried while Teresa cut my hair this afternoon and now again as I read your blog. One good thing – there is some relief in tears. Thanks for putting this into words. I treasure every one of them and I love you very much. – Mom

  2. Natalie,
    I think of your wonderful family often through this difficult time. I too share your pain but for many different reasons. I too miss the days that were and now is a hole in our lives as well.

    I had a dream last night of Alicia….it was a good peaceful dream (a nice change since my dreams lately have been of turmoil and hurt). Because of my dream my dear Aunt Grace was on my mind and heart today. So I called her this evening. We had a wonderful conversation! Through 2 tragedies we have found a common bond and I treasure that connection and enjoy talking with her. I would change both tragedies in a heartbeat even if that meant my connection with Aunt Grace was changed, but I can’t. So now I am trying to focus and treasure the wonderful things God has given me out of those tragedies.

    I appreciate your openness and writings on your blog. As I have said before they continue to help me in my healing too. Take Care and hope to see you soon!

    With Love,

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