First Tomorrows

Fountain StrollDear Alicia,

We’re heading to Longwood Gardens tomorrow. I’m so excited! Our plans to visit Eldon in Boston this weekend fell through due to Alice being sick and being worried that Ian would come down with it too which of course he did, so this is our consolation trip. Last time we were there, it was June of 2008; and it was hot. Alice was almost 2yrs old, and Ian was a secret – only known to Daniel and myself at that point. Last time we were there, you were there too.

We knew these days would come. The first time you’re not here for… well, for everything. I actually thought about the first time I cleaned my house without you – not that you were a huge part of cleaning my house on a regular basis. Just the fact that I couldn’t call you if I wanted to. The first Friendship Fest/KMS auction when we didn’t get to talk about the finds of the day. Memorial Day came and went without you at the cookout. And tomorrow – this first seems especially hard.

I remember so much about that day 3 years ago – everything from splashing in the fountains to exploring the tree houses and greenhouse. How you doted over Alice like nobody’s business. You and Cody holding her hands as you walked under the trees. You taking a nap on the “elephant ear” leaf. I can remember your smile and how you made the trip so much fun. I can hear your laugh – and let’s face it, sometimes your whine about the heat or being hungry. You smiling at Cody and your light-hearted way of being with him. You smiling.

I will enjoy tomorrow – I will. I promise. Because I know you would want me too. But if you look closely from heaven, you’ll notice the glisten in my eyes hidden behind my smile. If we get to splash in the fountains, you’ll see the drops of water on my cheeks mingling with my tears. If we see an “elephant ear plant,” I may need to sit and be near it while my heart breaks and tries to begin to heal all over again. While I’ve wanted to say all along that you should be there with us tomorrow, I guess you will be there. But it’s not the same, and sadly never will be. I will miss you tomorrow, another grain of sand on the beach of first tomorrows.

Love you & please keep singing for us,
Natalie

tree walk

sleep

One thought on “First Tomorrows”

  1. Thanks for one of the best days we’ve ever had at Longwood. Yes, we saw lots of elephant ears and the catfish were a huge reminder of Alicia for me, but I am so thankful for the GOOD memories! I will look forward to going back to Longwood again with you all – it is such a place of beauty and healing for me.

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